No one likes going to the dentist. Even the most routine visit can produce more human pain than a CIA interrogation or a Fellini film festival.

The scariest part is it’s hard to see exactly what the dentist is doing or know what’s going on with the large metal objects the staff is shoving into your body, unless you can take your eyes out of your head like Rubber Man. These exclamations and questions from your tooth physician should immediately cause misdirected panic and fear.

1. “I’ve never seen anything like this and I did my undergraduate work in Great Britain.”

2. “Quick! The nitrous is wearing off! Put your pants back on and clean up all this gravy!”

3. “So this other patient hasn’t flossed in 30 years and one of his teeth just snapped off like a twig. You should have seen the look on his face.”

4. “American Dental Association, schmental association. Dental tools are dental tools whether you buy them from a medical supplier or a Home Depot.”

5. “You need a dental license?”

6. “Your insurance called us back and they won’t cover your cavity because they consider having teeth to be a pre-existing condition.”

7. “Seriously, you really need something called a dental license?”

8. “Did you ever see that movie ‘Marathon Man?’”

9. “Okay, no more jokes, I’m totally not joking anymore. Do I REALLY need a dental license?”

10. “Sorry about that. That was my last patient. Apparently, he was brushing his teeth and, well, let’s just say that lost dental drills always show up in the last place you look.”

11. “If I had a nickel for every time I heard one of my patients scream the name of their god to beg them for mercy...”

12. “Here’s your bill. You have 30 days to pay it or we’ll have to repossess the molars.”