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12 Surefire Ways to Avoid Pigging Out at the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

buffet table
Ethan Miller, Getty Images

Times are certainly tough and we’re all looking for ways to stretch a buck, but we shouldn’t do so at the expense of stretching our waist size.

If you find yourself at an all-you-can-eat buffet, don’t be tempted to scarf down food like you’re name is Kobayashi. It’s just not smart, which is why you should follow these tips to avoid eating so much even Jabba the Hut would tell you to slow down:

1. Remember that Hulk Hogan has a sex tape. Still feel like eating?

2. Think twice before chowing down at a restaurant called Sal Monella’s.

3. After your second helping, go outside and wait to greet the ambulance as you prepare for the heart attack.

4. Don’t be fooled by the ‘Paula Deen‘ diet menu.

5. Insist they play Yanni over the loudspeaker. You’ll be gone before you even sit down with your French onion soup.

6. Do you really want to get a stomachache from food prepared by a cook who’s probably on parole?

7. Take a Toyota. Odds are you won’t even make it to the restaurant.

8. Go with Rush Limbaugh. There won’t be enough food left to pig out.

9. You know what? Screw it. Pig out. You just lost a grand playing blackjack in Vegas. You gotta make that back somehow, right?

10. Remember, there are starving underprivileged children out there. And they’re in the back cleaning dishes.

11. Sit at the table by the chalk outline of the last guy who couldn’t stop eating.

12. It’s March Madness! If you stay too long, you’re going to miss at least one buzzer-beater.

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