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11 Reasons You Won’t Be Getting a Father’s Day Present

Black Friday Shoppers Hunt For Holiday Bargains ties
Chris Hondros, Getty Images

It’s hard to be a good father, but it’s easy to be a lousy father since even bad mothers at least have to endure nine months of pregnancy and 27 hours of labor.

It should be illegal for bad fathers to receive any kind of Father’s Day present, but, hey, that’s what ugly ties are for, right? Here are some signs you bad dads won’t be getting a present.

1. You’re putting a lot of hope in the belief that your kid’s university of choice will accept ‘Camel Cash’ as a tuition payment.

2. You took your daughter to the strip club and the dog track on ‘Take Your Daughter to Work Day.’

3. Giving money to your kids isn’t considered noble when there’s a court order behind it.

4. You didn’t hear from your sperm donor recipient on Mother’s Day.

5. The mother of your child got a special celebrity to announce that you would become a father: Maury Povich.

6. Hand puppets pretending to be your children can’t buy you presents.

7. You’re Michael Lohan.

8. Your girlfriend still doesn’t consider paying for the DNA test as a Mother’s Day present.

9. Your daughter became the first woman in space because she wanted to get as far away from you as possible.

10. Your paternity suit settlement involved paying for a birthday party.

11. You can never remember your kid’s name, so you had it tattooed on their forehead.

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